i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
