my soul wont recognize me after tonight
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We don't watch enough power rangers
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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