Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
