Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
