There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
