I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
