I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
