Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
