grandma shit on top of the toilet
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
