My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
