hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
