Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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