how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My penis needs a shock collar
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
