apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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