well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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