my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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