sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize