He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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