I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
