You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
