theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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