the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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