thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i would punch a child for taco bell
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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