i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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