I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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