he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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