I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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