Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
