Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
