also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You may now shotgun with the bride
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
