Got a toothbrush?
i just had sex bonerless
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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