so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
