u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
