I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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