I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
zippers are such a cool invention
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
