he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
