Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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