I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
