I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize