dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
