I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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