A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
