I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
