Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
