I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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