I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
