Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
