upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
