What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
