Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
