you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
