Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
