i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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