Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
