Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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