There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
