Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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