I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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