you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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