Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize