Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
