Where did you get a picture of my penis
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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