we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
