Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I got inside last night via doggy door
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
