its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I lost the right to judge tonight
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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