I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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