I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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