i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
